Friday, November 4, 2011


 I'm truly scared. I tried so hard to fight against the fear but i just don't know how to fight it anymore. I don't even think it's possible to fight anymore, but I think that i have a pretty good idea of what to do. It's probably better than the "sweep it under a rug" thing i tried to do, but don't worry. All shall hopefully be explained to you and then maybe..just maybe i will have someone that understands as well.
First and foremost, let me apologize. I'm sorry for the lack of posts for the... fuck i don't know, months or so. It's just that I want to erase all that i knew from my mind. I wanted to bury the horrid dreams and the fright that has crept into my mind and stated there like a parasite.To let the fear that i has enveloped get lost within the endless folds of time, but alas, it would not fade. No matter what did, or how hard i tried it would. not. leave. Hell, i even tried out a therapist for Christs sake, it didn't last long but i tried. All they wanted to do is shove fucking pills down my throat, and there was no way in HELL i was OK with that. My friends? I don't really have any, after middle school i became home schooled and i really only have one who has been with me through the end. I pray that he never gets caught up in this shit. However even he know my troubles and do what they can...and god bless his soul for trying to help's not quite working. But if you nightmare-ish bastards are reading this, please leave them the hell alone. They of all people deserve a better life than this..and my brother, to put it simply, is a worthless fuck when it comes to helping me. All he tries to do is persuade it me it isn't real, that it's just an overactive imagination of mine. I'll give him brownie points for trying though ( as worthless his "help" was). The dark thoughts kept crawling back, reaching out with dark tendrils to poison the last bit of comfort I've manage to salvage. All i wanted to do was just run away from this mental madness...but how could i run from something that was within my mind?
But now, I've decided to try to fight these nightmares of mind and reality. Instead of trying to hide away the knowledge in the dark corners of my mind, I'm going to seek out the truth. I will no longer live in fear of these bastard monstrosities that dance grimly in my nightmares. I will seek out the truth behind the madness, the reason to it all and the way to defeat it. I don't know who I can count on though...I'm not 100% sure if my brother and Matt would go for this. My brother just pushes me away from the internet when he can. "It's nothing but lies, just fucking children stories. You're to damn old for that" "You're obsession with this is unhealthy, if you can't even get over you're dreams how the hell do you expect to even forget about this shit. That's if it even happened." Hmm. That asshole, but that's my brother for ya... I'm pretty sure i'll get an earful on blogger later about how rash i am. Well, that's a suffering i'm willing to endure, because he can either help me or GTFO. No matter how hard he tries to keep the truth hidden, i will always have the gentle itch of curiosity tug at the my back mind, and it won't be satisfied unless i find answers. In fact, it i kinda hope it will never be satisfied. When it comes to relying on my friend on the other hand...well I really don't want to get my my friend involved...i really don't.....but if worst comes to worst and i have no one else to rely on, i guess i'll just have to turn to him(whose name is Matt by the way if ya haven't caught that by now :P). But i'll try my best to keep the burdens of my own mind to myself, even if it results in my own mental ruination. 
So now this blog is reborn, into something much more than just a simple dream log. It is my now my journey towards the light, no matter how dark it may seem. However yes i will still log my dreams, i have a feeling they're much more important than i thought. No longer are they just ways to psycho-analyze your subconscious, but they are now nightmares so lucid the aftermath revealed after awaking is coming to point where it's almost considered "gruesome".
Now i promise, with God and whoever reads this as my witness, that i will post every dream. Every detail. Every encounter. Every single fucking horror that haunts me to the best extent of my knowledge, and i promise that i will discover the truth and end my madness once and for all. 

No comments:

Post a Comment